Chinese vs Japanese / Man vs Robot

OK, first the bad news. I re-watched The Matrix: Reloaded. When the original Matrix came out I was a sophomore in college and I went to the Newark shopping center to watch it with my bros. The ad campaign for the film had been a really good example of creating actual intrigue in regards to a blockbuster movie with the whole "What is the matrix" tagline. Anyway we were stoked to finally see it and the movie wrecked shop on our 19-year old brains and didn't disappoint at all.

Of course years later when the 'trilogy continued' I was only cautiously stoked (at best)...but paid up to see more slo-mo ass kicking and 360 bullet dodging. Everyone knows it sort of sucked...at least relative to the original film, and I hadn't forgotten this but the other day I was in a position to pick out a mindless movie to watch while I was completely immobilized for about 3.5 hours doing leukophoresis (white blood cell donation) and so I was thinking "why not? this movie had some cool fights in it and I like those". And to be fair, The Matrix: Reloaded held my complete attention while my entire blood volume was drained, filtered, and then put back into my bod on the other side.

The Matrix films are basically very high concept/high budget martial arts movies, so on to the kicking people in the face part. The coolest fight in the movie is probably the one where Neo fights like hundreds of Elronds all dressed up for the white house press correspondents' dinner.

I realize that Neo is supposed to be seeing everything in slow motion, but he also kind of kicks in slow motion, which isn't really so cool. Anyway--like lots of kung-fu movies of yore, this one employs lots of physically impossible wire trick stuff but also makes copious use of that patented (they wish) slow down and strafe camera work. Difference is, this isn't even trying to look particularly real, which works great for Keanu. When he gets the pole out and goes all tether ball it's pretty awesome regardless.





Diagnosis:
This movie makes very little sense, and when I saw it the first time I recall thinking: it's a windup for the next movie...hopefully 'Martix: Revolutions' will swing hard and hit it out of the park. We all know that didn't pan out (maybe I'll go ahead and rewatch that one soonish as well), so this movie just seems jumbled up unnecessarily. I think it would have worked better if they dropped a little of the over-reaching hero quest narrative and focused on what I'm seeing as the primary (read: most interesting) plot driver of the movie which is the following: given that this thing called the matrix exists, check out all the weird alt-programs that float around inside of it (including, as the climax indicates, Neo himself).

Perhaps the most misguided/mistakenly hilarious scene of all is the notorious "cave-rave" pictured above. The part that really tickled me was right before the Zion-techno-oontz starts bumping where Morpheus announces (triumphantly) 'let us shake this cave' in righteous defiance of the robot overlords that will soon consume and enslave us. Youtube wouldn't let me embed this one (the line is at about 1:30)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5ZWNOm4r2k&feature=related

So amongst such original ideas as twin albino badasses, orgasm cakes, keymasters who unlock secret stuff (wait a sec...), and having Harold Perrineau being able to steer a ship straight and true despite being in a weird non/ultra reality, this movie is probably worth about:

.56 of the 1

sidenote for any science-types reading this: when Neo 'reaches inside' Trinity to kickstart her heart Mola Ram-style at the end, all I could think was "terrible sterile technique, dude."

1/24/11 topical update: Keanu, please don't make anymore of these.

--

I also watched a modern kung-fu film called Ip Man.  It's on Netflix streaming and you should watch it. It's much more of a "film" film than most martial arts movies, but the fighting in it is really really kickass. (see below)

This may be old news to some of you because I believe they already released a sequel to this bad boy...but in quick summary, Ip Man is a real guy who lived in southern China during the second Sino-Japanese war, and was the first to teach Wing Chun style kung fu. He had tons of students the most famous of whom is Bruce Lee.



The movie is set during a time of Japanese occupation, and Ip Man is the old standby peaceful man character who doesn't really want to fight, but holy crap look out when his blood gets angried up.

Though this scene below is only about half way through the movie...it's probably the coolest fight scene.  The setup: Japanese soldiers are challenging all the Chinese guys to come fight them, to prove that Japanese martial arts is better or whatever, and because they're an occupying army they're bullying them into it big time, and being dicks in general. Ip Man's all like "I choose not to fight" etc.. and that's part of how you know how unbelievably badass he is, because he's super calm about it and everything. But then...well, you know.



Were you digging all the multiple rapid punches and painful limb breaks like I was?
You should watch this movie for more of the same. Netflix streaming, like I mentioned. Do it.

9 out of 10 japanese guys with broken legs and multiple face bruises agree.

Kung-Fu Cinema: Flag-waving

Phil!

A little while back I decided that I wanted to get into kung-fu movies. Straightforward enough...yet deceptively complicated, because damn there are a lot of them, released under numerous aliases and with various crappy original language and dub audio tracks. I started here, an article I found very helpful as a primer...the legend continues, as they say. Keep in mind that I'm speaking about these films from a perspective of almost no prior knowledge and experience. So far I'm just working with what Netflix has available...

I watched Flag of Iron last night, another Shaw Brothers' film about a couple warring clans of fighters with different styles. My quest and interest in kung fu films is slowing down but on the plus side, watching them is making my Mandarin's improve; only, apparently it's golden oldie Mandarin, since most of the movies take place like 500 years ago and they use expressions that no one uses anymore. Also sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on the occasionally hilarious english dub tracks (I did half and half for this one)...but the language absorbtion thing seems more important than finding out where Wu-Tang samples originate.

This jam starred Philip Kwok. Most of these martial arts actors have already shown up in multiple films, and I recognized this this dude as Lizard in the Five Deadly Venoms. He plays a good guy again, name of Iron Panther (nice!). He's part of the Iron Flag clan, who fight with long flagpoles and get into a dispute with the Eagle clan (bunch of pusses). The story works so that he becomes a fall guy for his clan over some legal nonsense and goes into exile, only to eventually come back and topple a mini-conspiracy a year later.

Along the way he kills 9 deadly assassins who were sent to kill him who all have different fun names / styles. One's called the butcher because that's his job when he's not assassin-ing. Another goes by Iron Axe, etc..

The coolest part of the movie, and really the part that sort of redeemed it, was the final fight scene, where one dude throws a flagpole and impales another guy, whereupon the flag unfurls from the pole drenched in blood. This happens about 2 minutes into the clip.



One thing that cracks me up about kung-fu movies (like this) is the complete lack of resolution after the climax. The film ends literally 3 seconds after this scene (above). Typical end of kung fu film: they fight it out and then one guys dies and then there's a brief shot of the winner, and then the "the end" pops up. No tree topper on this party boat. They get it done and they roll the credits.

Analysis:

Some of the choreography in this movie was cool, and it's always fun to watch them fight with new weapons (in this case, a flag), but the plot and the fight sequences were pretty standard issue. The movie was bloodier than a bunch of the others I had watched, but the main thing that stood out about the film was the emergence of a new (to me) character archetype in "The White Rambler."

This guy, pictured in the clip above in white, is an assassin for hire who's just "in it for the money" and doesn't get too involved with the politics of the situation. He's laid back and slick with the babes. He's kung fu Dolemite. Han Solo with a headband and a spear that's spring-loaded and shoots the tip off (and afterward a handful of nails). His dub-voice actor is even doing half a John Wayne impression which sort of clinched it when I flipped over to the English soundtrack halfway through. Carbonite thick.

Other than that, I was sort of bored.

Iceberg Rating: 5 out of 12 parsecs for the Kessel Run

Kung-Fu Cinema: Legend Status?

A little while back I decided that I wanted to get into kung-fu movies.  Straightforward enough...yet deceptively complicated, because damn there are a lot of them, released under numerous aliases and with various crappy original language and dub audio tracks.  I started here, an article I found very helpful as a primer...the legend continues, as they say. Keep in mind that I'm speaking about these films from a perspective of almost no prior knowledge and experience.  So far I'm just working with what Netflix has available...

OK so I have to admit I'm slowing down.  I sense my excitement over the genre growing a little thin.  Maybe I'll be rejuvenated when I eventually watch Shaolin vs. Vampire (one of a series of  kung-fu-fighter-versus-classic-movie-monster films!).

I watched Kung Fu Hustle. It's a modern kung fu flick, popular enough that I had heard of it already, and it was pretty awesome. 

Premise = standard issue.  Backwater Chinese village contains some serious kung fu masters that only show their true skill after the bitter melon hits the wok when a bunch of gangsters start harassing them something fierce.  

Execution = masterful. The flick is something like a cross between the Matrix and classic Looney Tunes, which is gotta be something one rarely says about a film.  Stephen Chow (actor, writer, director) plays a wannabe kung fu gangster who gets all tangled up in the townspeople and the oppression being inflicted thereupon...

A lot of kung fu movies (I'm now finding) have a strong element of magic to them...the implication being that really killer kung fu allows for impossible physical manipulations and wire tricks during the heat of combat.  This movie is all about crazy CG-effect wackness and inconceivable-to-the-point-of-hilarious fight techniques.  I reckon Stephen Chow was trying to poke fun, pay tribute, and to modernize the stuff he dug as a kid (sorta like the QT Grindhouse thing, or Kill Bill for that matter). Here's a cool example scene where some badass assassins are sent to lay daisies over some other (some might argue equally badass) dudes...

Kung Fu Hustle is a really fun movie.  It pays homage to the older stuff but also has a lot of fun with modern special effects during the (numerous) fight sequences.  I was consistently reminded of Super Smash Bros. in an extremely fond and pleasant way.  Very watchable.  Rent this now.

Iceberg rating = 1950/1951 Rabbit Seasons

Next up, Legendary Weapons of China. This one's about a sinister emperor who's looking for sammies with kung fu so clutch they can stop bullets to the chest.  However in this film the magic isn't really working out so well and basically a bunch of good fighters are just being executed on some maniacal imperial whim.  Then one of the trainers decides it's all for nought and disowns the practice of shooting painstakingly well-trained guys point blank in the chest and watching them die, so some assassins get sent out to look for him and kill him for his treasonous conscience. The fight sequences center around the various uses of the 18 "legendary" weapons of china. 

I was excited about this film cause I knew that the 3-section staff would get a workout.

I know this guy! 

Again the plot centers around people not being sure which person is a kung fu master and which ones are just schlubs going about their thursday.  Gordon Liu is in this (from 36 Chambers) and that made me happy, but he's more of a minor player here.  It was fun, but sort of long and needlessly complicated.  Maybe it's because I watched it on Saturday morning though when my brain was half in the bag.  Anyway...the coolness is definitely in the fact that they make use of all the weapons on the list, particularly in the final fight scene.  There's also some interesting choreography where one fighter is being controlled via voodoo doll from the sidelines.

Iceberg Rating = 1.7 out of 3 sections on that staff

Next Up:  ?????

Kung-Fu Cinema: gaining momentum

A little while back I decided that I wanted to get into kung-fu movies.  Straightforward enough...yet deceptively complicated, because damn there are a lot of them, released under numerous aliases and with various crappy original language and dub audio tracks.  I started here, an article I found very helpful as a primer...the legend continues, as they say. Keep in mind that I'm speaking about these films from a perspective of almost no prior knowledge and experience.  So far I'm just working with what Netflix has available...

First up, 1978's Drunken Master with Jackie Chan.  Being such a novice, only Jackie Chan's later work in American action films (read: Rush Hour series) was familiar to me.  This movie was one of his first films, and was basically my first introduction to his body of work as a martial artist. Jackie Chan is the "Harlem Globetrotters" of Kung-fu.  There's a sizable element of slapstick comedy in this movie, present in almost every fight or training sequence.  Much less serious than the previous films I watched...but in a very satisfying way.  Jackie is an almost freakishly talented acrobat, and there was a lot of really nice fighting choreography in this film. 

The story follows a young rapscallion (Jackie Chan) who displeases his father so much that dad hires a legendary bad-ass oldman (who loves to booze) to train the shit out of sonny for a year. Son is reluctant at first, hates training, etc...then eventually comes around. The B story has this villain named ThunderLeg (with some killer 'Vince Noir' hair and a 'stache worthy of its own melon stand) who enters the picture and kicks a bunch of ass.

Drunken Master was a lot of fun to watch.  I would definitely recommend it.  It's sort of long, but it's got quite a lot of cool hand-to-hand fighting with an element of sillyness that I dug and they touch on a bunch of different fighting styles (drunken style, obviously, or stuff like monkey style and also this one style where a dude has a really hard skull and just rams people with it like Juggernaut) and it has a bunch of creative but comical training sequences. I looked around for a sweet clip of the movie, but the only decent one I could find was the final fight scene...and I figured you should have to work a bit to see that.

Iceberg Movie Rating = 46 out of 50 ways to leave your lover.  Extra points awarded for hilariously brutal training exercises.

Next up I watched Master of the Flying Guillotine. Netflix bills it as a favorite of Quentin Tarantino and "the most notorious weapon to ever appear on film".  The weapon being referred is pretty gnarly (see picture on the right). This old blind dude with some future classic eyebrows throws this "hat" on a chain at you and it hooks onto your skull. Then he gives it a Duncan tug and your dome done been shuck clean off the stalk, jellytoes.  Not exactly a guillotine, but you get the idea.  This movie reminded me a bit of Enter the Dragon as the premise in both movies is a big fighting tournament where a bunch of dudes from different lands come to compete.

The titular character is an assassin hunting down the "one-armed boxer" who took out his two proteges. My careful research tells me that this is actually a sequel to a 1971 film called The One-Armed Boxer, which sets the stage for this one and is also written, directed by, and starring Jimmy Wang Yu (aka the "one-armed boxer")

I feel like they were really stretching their wings with this one on the special effects front, from the numerous decapitations to guys with Dhalsim extendo-arms and on to dudes fighting each on top of a "forest" of upturned swords.

Check out the trailer:

This was a cool one...not as satisfying as Drunken Master or 36th Chamber, but worth watching for some of the odd weapons and fights.

Iceberg Movie Rating = 75 out of 99 red balloons

Coming Soon:

Kung-Fu Hustle

Legendary Weapons of China

Kung-Fu Cinema: one man's quest for knowledge

A little while back I decided that I wanted to get into kung-fu movies. Straightforward enough...yet deceptively complicated, because damn there are a lot of them, released under numerous aliases and with various crappy original language and dub audio tracks. I started here, an article I found very helpful as a primer...the legend continues, as they say.

As per the "Gateways to Geekery" article above, the first movie I watched was The 36th Chamber of Shaolin with Gordon Liu. I had gotten myself pretty immersed in Wu-Tang Clan's 36 Chambers album last year (hip hop still presents an almost wholly undiscovered frontier of music for me, and this is the very first hip hop album I embraced fully). The Wu is obsessed with kung-fu movies, and they sample them all over their record (as well as discuss them in "sketches" and name their group/album/selves after them).

36th Chamber of Shaolin was truly awesome. I would recommend this flick to anyone who's even vaguely interested in action sequences, training sequences, or film-making generally. I was quite taken with it right away (as my first movie of the genre) but also can now look back after having watched 5 or 6 and definitively say it is a quality piece of work. You can get that shit on Netflix so do it. In quick summary, it's set in 12th century(ish) China and everything is pretty fucked in Gordon Liu's little village so he hightails it outa there and winds up learning kung-fu from the monks of Shaolin on top of a mountain. Awesome line early in film, upon realizing that some jerk-face badasses are brutalizing their little town, one of Gordon's friends says "I wish we had learned kung-fu instead of studying calligraphy". Nice foreshadowing.

Something like half the movie is him training through the 35 chambers (training sequences of great variety and increasing difficulty). It also has that really sweet martial arts-movie theme of doing a bunch of training stuff that doesn't seem to have any direct connection to fighting...like when Danielsan gets all huffy about sanding the deck and Miyagi's like, "i've been training you all along, son: recognize" and then starts punching him. Eventually, Gordon invents and masters the three-section staff and creates the 36th chamber (the goal of which is to train the populace in the ways of kung-fu)..seriously boss hog. A must see.

Here's some Wu-Tang to get you in the mood:

"Shame on a Nigga"

Movie Rating = 36 out of 35 Chambers of Shaolin

Next up I watched the 5 Deadly Venoms. Kill Bill owes a pretty clear debt to this one about a "sick-ass clique" of 5 fighters who train in five different styles (centipede, snake, scorpion, lizard, and toad) and call themselves the "Poison Clan". Thing is some are bad and some are good, and they all trained with masks on all the time so they don't know who's who out in the world.

I think the concept was pretty cool, and the finale 5 guy free-for-all fight scene is pretty good, but in general the film's execution is only so-so. This one's way more violent than 36 Chambers as well, there's use of an Iron Maiden at one point. Decent, but 36 Chambers set the bar pretty high...although extra points cause one of my favorite Wu tracks samples this movie's English dub ("Toad style is immensely strong and immune to nearly any weapon...when it's properly used, it's nearly invincible").

"The Mystery of Chessboxin'"

Movie Rating = 28 out of 40 ounces of malt liquor (extra points awarded for reminding me of Wu-Tang.)

Next installment of Kung-Fu Cinema:

Drunken Master

Master of the Flying Guillotine